***I wanted to add a bit of background info here, because the scene was confusing to some. My main character Jessica, is a 16-year-old who travels back to medieval times. This scene is about halfway through the book- Lord Alric has been teaching Jessica to swordfight and here they are taking a break. And FYI on Lord Alric- he is normally a very proper gentleman so all the laughter here is unusual for him, it's something she brings out in him.***
So there's a contest happening here: http://aspiringwriterworld.blogspot.com/ You're supposed to post a maximum of 750 words of a love scene from your finished manuscript. I'm entering the contest a day late (I was supposed to post this yesterday), so I may be ineligible to win, but I thought it would be fun to take part anyway. I love me some love scenes (not the erotic kind, FYI) and I can't wait to go through and read everyone else's. Feel free to tell me just how cheesy you think it is.
Name: Melanie Stanford
Title: Daze and Knights
Genre: YA
Entry Word Count: 748 (eek)
Manuscript Word Count: 87,000 (estimated)
Link #: 27
“Remember when we first met, I had tripped over Fiona’s laundry and fell and I caught you laughing at me?” He stared at me, his mouth slightly agape. “Anyway, I was mad about that so I wouldn’t tell you my name when you asked me for it and then you said, ‘That’s okay, I have another name for you,’ or something like that. Remember?”
Lord Alric looked a little bowled over. “Yes, I remember.”
“So? What’s the name?” I pressed. “You’ve never told me.”
A small smile appeared on his lips, thrilling me. “You are not the only one with secrets never to be revealed,” he answered.
“I never said I had secrets. And don’t change the subject!”
“Every thought is a secret if it is never shared. This secret I will take with me to the grave.” He was trying to hide his smile but I could see it there, making his lips twitch.
“Oh come on, just tell me,” I begged. “You know you want to!” I turned on my side so that I was facing him.
“I will admit nothing,” he replied, laughing.
“If you won’t tell me, then I’ll make you,” I challenged. He looked at me incredulously and then laughed harder.
“You will force me? What is it to be, torture?” he asked through guffaws. I scowled.
“You don’t think I can get it out of you? Well, I can. Witness my version of torture.”
“What?” he managed to wheeze out, still doubled over in mirth. He was too preoccupied with laughing at me to see my hand sneak out and inch slowly forward. I had to aim for behind his knees; it was the closest part of him that I could reach that wasn’t covered in boots. I kept my eye on him to make sure he wasn’t aware of what I was doing and then I quickly attacked, tickling him behind his bent knee.
It worked. He yelped and jumped about a foot in the air. I rolled onto my back, laughing so hard that I had to hold my stomach.
“That was an unfair tactic,” he muttered.
“You know,” I managed in the midst of all my laughing, “you’d think that I’d care, but I really don’t!” I put my arm over my eyes as I laughed, reliving his jump in my mind. That proved to be a mistake. All of a sudden I felt a tickle along my side and this time it was me who jumped.
“Hey!” I exclaimed with a jump. “You’re playing dirty!” I lunged at him without thinking, tackling him to the ground. We tried to tickle each other but it didn’t work much since we were both laughing so hard. I grabbed his arms so he wouldn’t be able to tickle me back.
Suddenly I found myself on top of him. He was lying on his back and I was sitting on his stomach, my legs straddling his hips. My hands pinned down his arms on either side of his head, my face was close to his, and our eyes were locked. We both stopped laughing abruptly. My breath felt heavy, my mouth slightly open. I could feel his chest rise and fall beneath me.
“What’s the name?” I whispered. How had I remembered to ask that?
His eyes were liquid, his lips soft as he whispered back the answer.
“Asha.”
It came out in a ragged breath. His soft lips were parted and I couldn’t resist them anymore. I couldn’t resist him anymore. I leaned down slowly and joined my lips to his.
It was a soft kiss, and brief. I pulled away when I realized what I had done and looked at him, afraid of what I would see on his face. He looked a little surprised as he stared into my eyes. And then he grabbed me around the waist, sitting up so fast that I ended up on his lap, unaware of how I got there but uncaring because he pressed his lips to mine and kissed me eagerly. Electricity ran through my body, coming from his lips, his hands, every part of him that touched me. My fingers and toes tingled and I couldn’t stop from trembling against him. It was electric, magical. More magical than the glowing tree nearby.
And then it was over.
He pulled away, and my beating heart stopped when I saw the look of distress on his face.
“We cannot,” he whispered through labored breaths.
Cute scene. The only problem I had is that the level of laughter seemed to high for what was going on. Does that make sense? I don't think he would truly be doubled over with laughter here. And, I just don't like the word guffaw that much, I think it only works in a very few instances. Oh, and one other thing, the line, "I had to aim for behind his knees; it was the closest part of him that I could reach that wasn’t covered in boots", confused me. I know this sounds weird, but I was wondering if they were standing in a pile of boots because he was "covered" in boots. Other than that, I like the playfullness of the scene.
ReplyDeleteI liked all the laughing. It works in the context (him being a medieval gentleman). I can see why Alric would be so surprised by the things she said and did and find it hilarious. And just how proper he usually is makes it more funny. I like this scene. It raises the excitement right up to the point of anticipation, where it bursts into passion. Definitely had me all tingly.
ReplyDeleteI had a little trouble with the language. The way the woman speaks, she sounds like a modern day teen. When I go to the guy being referred to as Lord Alric, I was taken out of the scene for a moment while I readjusted my expectation. And then he spoke in a much more formal way than she did.
ReplyDeleteMake sure you find the the right way for your characters to speak, appropriate to the time period and genre you're writing in.
Otherwise, it was a fun, playful scene.
Oops- maybe I should have given the scene an intro first! She is a contemporary teen, he's a medieval knight. She has gone back in time. Hence the formal language and his tall boots!
ReplyDeleteTrust me, my book isn't full of the laughing- this is one time where he lets loose a little, where he hasn't really so far in the book- hence the laughing. (Did I just say hence twice?!)