Tuesday, June 21, 2011


Me at 17

     Getting older is scary. I never felt this way a few years ago, but then again, I was still in my twenties and felt young and alive and like I still had all this time ahead of me. What is it about turning thirty that makes one feel suddenly old? It's not even that old! I'm thirty-one now (sniff) and I feel like every second where I do nothing is a wasted second, even though sometimes it's good for you to do nothing and I happen to like it- sometimes. But I can't help but feel like there's so much I want to do and accomplish and yet so little time. 
   This is on my mind because my grandmother died on Sunday. It's wasn't sudden or anything. In fact it was one of those things where you pray that they will be taken from this life so that their suffering can finally come to an end. But with death naturally comes thoughts of life. I can't help but think of all the things I could be doing better, the ways in which I can improve as a person, a mother, a writer, and all the things I want to do before I die.
     This hit me especially hard two years ago when my father-in-law passed away. He was young, it was sudden (sort of), and very hard for everyone who knew him. I don't think the notion of my own mortality had ever really occurred to me until then. I still felt invincible-  like I had all the time in the world to accomplish my goals. Then I realized how very untrue that is.
     It's not like I'm old- I know. I think part of the problem is the world in general is obsessed with being young and looking young, what with all the Botox and lipo and stuff out there. I see it all in those magazines I read. And then there's the fact that I read mainly Young Adult books. Even though my teen years weren't the greatest, and I cringe at some of the stuff I said and did and the mistakes I made, I still can't help but wish to be 16 again. Add in the fact that a lot of those YA books have immortal teens in them (Edward and Bella, Damen and Ever), and I feel like being over 30 sucks bricks.
     I guess it's good that I'm rereading Harry Potter now. Lord Voldemort- pretty much the epitome of evil- goes to every length imaginable to become immortal. It's a good reminder that growing old is natural and right and a part of life. I just need to remember to do the best I can with the life I have. And not to beat myself up if every second of every day isn't spent doing something productive.
  Am I the only one out there afraid of getting old? Afraid of wasting their life with moments of doing nothing? Hmmm, I doubt it.
Is this what immortality looks like???

1 comment:

  1. You're definitely not the only one.

    "I feel like being over 30 sucks bricks."

    *laughing* I'm not there yet, but soon. Too soon. :)

    "And not to beat myself up if every second of every day isn't spent doing something productive."

    A good lesson. We can get a lot done in small steps.