I could really use some query help. I've written around half a dozen different drafts of a query for Sway. Not because I like writing queries *shudder* but because that's how bad I suck at them. I've decided on this version so far, but I would love some opinions and thoughts on it.
Ava Elliot thought coming home to LA after eight years away would be easy. She never would have imagined that her family would overspend so much that they'd lose their Hollywood Hills mansion. She never would have guessed that despite a Master's degree from Juilliard, she'd again be dependent on others for help with her fresh start. Worst of all, she never thought she'd see her ex-fiance again.
Ava feels like she's living a twisted version of her old life.
Eric Wentworth, home from his band's sold-out tour, wants nothing to do with Ava. She'd be happy to oblige if he wasn't living in her old home and dating her sister's best friend. Eric and his spiteful songs are a lot easier to ignore when Ava meets Gage, an actor whose chocolate kisses help her to forget the past.
But Gage isn't exactly what he seems and long-buried feelings for Eric are starting to resurface. Moving on is proving harder that Ava thought it would be. But maybe the past is worth fighting for after all.
So whaddya think?
I'm also looking for one or two beta's for this MS if anyone is interested. Someone who reads chick lit/women's fiction. I don't need line edits, I need thoughts on characters and pacing mostly and I'll read your MS in return. :)
I'd totally beta read for you! (Just wanted to put that out there before someone beats me.) Now I'll look at your query ...
ReplyDeleteI think the "never woulds" in the first paragraph are kind of redundant, and your standalone line in the second paragraph is a great first line, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteMaybe something like:
Ava Elliot is living a twisted version of her old life. After eight years away, she thought she'd be making a triumphant return to California. But she didn't know her family has more debt than equity in their Hollywood Hills mansion, and despite a Master's degree from Juilliard, she is dependent on others for help with her fresh start. (Sidenote: Is there an in-joke in there somewhere? Did she really think a masters in dance or music was going to get her going in a bad economy? I'm just a big fan of jokeiness in queries, esp if the project is funny.) Worst of all, her ex-fiance is living in her old house and dating her sister's best friend. (I like putting this information up here because it makes it clear in the paragraph that outlines Ava's conflict that she can't just ignore him. But totally just a suggestion :))
Eric Wentworth, home from his band's sold-out tour, wants nothing to do with Ava, and she is happy to oblige. (Next sentence buried the lede ...) And when Ava meets Gage, an actor whose chocolate kisses help her forget the past, Eric and his spiteful songs are a lot easier to ignore.
But Gage isn't exactly what he seems and long-buried feelings for Eric are starting to resurface. (I'd suggest a little less mystery here ... what is the turning point that reveals Gage's secrets? And are Ava's feelings for Eric unrequited, or is he having resurfacy feelings too?) Moving on is proving harder that Ava thought it would be. But maybe the past is worth fighting for after all.
** Hope those suggestions made sense, and at least some were helpful ;) **
Thanks!!! Definitely helpful.
DeleteOkay, I also suck at queries so please don't be offended that I changed a bunch of words. Best is to be clean and precise, I've found. I actually had one of my queries looked at by a professional, it was so bad, lol. So here's what I came up with. It may not be any better. I like what Ru wrote, too. It all comes down to what you think sounds best. And if you start getting rejections, rewrite and rewrite and rewrite that stupid letter. I always keep in mind that some of the best books had the most rejections. For instance, The Help got over 100 rejections over a span of 3 years. It took this woman 3 years to publish her novel, but it worked because she kept on, and now it's a best seller! Also, I would love to be a beta-reader :) Let me know!
ReplyDeleteemail if you want to contact me is: meganhandwrites@gmail.com
Ava is living a twisted version of her old life. After eight years away, she returns to LA with a Julliard Master's degree, broke and jobless, to find that her parents are losing their Hollywood Hills mansion, her ex-fiance is living in it, and he’s also dating her sister’s best friend. (This puts all the biggest tension points right up front)
Ex-fiance and rocker, Eric Wentworth, is home from his band’s sold-out tour and wants nothing to do with Ava. But it’s difficult to find distance when they’re living under the same roof. When Ava meets Gage, she finds the close proximity to Eric much more bearable. In the midst of Gage's chocolate kisses, she begins to feel her past fading.
But Gage isn’t all that he seems, and Ava’s long-buried feelings for Eric are resurfacing. Moving on is proving to be harder than she expected. She’ll have to choose. Whether the past is worth forgetting, or worth fighting for.
Hope this helps, and GOOD LUCK!
Here are my suggestions. I'm a publishing intern so please take my stuff just as my opinion and not the end all be all. :) Good luck with this!!!!!!!!!! :-)
ReplyDeleteAva Elliot feels like she's living a twisted version of her old life.
After eight years away, she never thought she would come home homeless, thanks to her family’s debt, and jobless even with that shiny Master’s degree from Julliard. But the icing on the cake is Eric. Eric, her ex-fiance who used to rock her world like his mega hit songs. She’d love to avoid him but he’s kind of living in her old home and dating her sister’s best friend.
When Ava meets Gage, everything seems to come together. His kisses taste like chocolate and he makes her forget everything bad, even Eric and his spiteful croons.
But Gage isn’t what he seems and Ava can’t deny her feelings for Eric, even though she thought she’d buried them a long time ago with a hatchet.
Moving on isn’t as easy as Ava had hoped. Soon she’ll have to make a choice: fight for the past or start a new future.
I really like Megan's version, and agree that getting rid of 'would never's... I'm so curious to see what all you've changed with Sway. Would love to read it again.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments everyone! Gives me lots to work on! I won't be querying it for awhile but it takes me a lot of time to get the query where it needs to be!
ReplyDelete