School started this week and there's something about this that makes me verrrry nervous. I'm not talking about the fact that my ten-year-old is starting in a school grades 6-12 (although this freaks the crap out of me, not gonna lie). And it's not the fact that my youngest started kindergarten. What scares me is now I have a DEADLINE.
I've been lucky these past almost eleven years to be a stay-at-home mom to my four kids. But next year, when my youngest starts grade one and therefore is in school ALL DAY, it'll be just me. I'm not nervous to be alone (NO SIREE). It's the fact that since the kids are in school- I should get a job.
But I don't want I job! she wails. I want to write. This is what I want my job to be. But so far, that ain't happening. And I can't selfishly stay home when the kids are all in school at this point in my writing *career*. Which means... DEADLINE. I've got a year to make it further than I am now. Otherwise, job.
This is super scary because while I've progressed in this whole writing thing, I'm still at the same spot I was, oh, a couple of years ago or so. Querying, full requests, an R&R, then nothing. Querying book two, full requests, nothing. I've just started querying book three. This book could be the one. Or I could be in this exact same spot next year. Nothing.
In some ways- this is all up to me. My writing has gotten better. I'm going to keep at it- querying EPONINE, revising JAR OF HEARTS, and then writing the SNI I've had floating around in my brain for forever. I will be working at it, and working at it hard so that hopefully, I can move forward. But that's all I can do. After that, it's out of my hands. And I just may very well be in this same spot next year.
I want to write. It's my dream job. And I feel like time is running out. I know that isn't true- many people juggle writing/kids or writing/dayjob and even writing/kids/dayjob all at once. I'll do that if it comes to it. I'm not quitting writing just because I have to work in an office again. But I still have this deadline I can't escape. It hangs over my head making me all twitchy and nervous. It makes me anxious to get writing and make it happen and at the same time fearful that I'll blow it.
Deadline. It's scary and it's not even real- I've given it to myself. Hopefully I can turn that fear into motivation, into creating my best work possible. Hopefully I can look back at this in a year and laugh at myself for freaking out about it. Either way, I know this deadline will teach me something. Either way, I'm going to make this next year count.