Fear

     One of the things I hate most about myself is how afraid I am of most things. And of course I'm not talking about heights or spiders (although the latter one does creep me out). Rather that I'm afraid of taking risks, of looking stupid, and of stepping out of my comfort zone- which is basically the organized little world encompassing mainly me and my family.  Let me tell you, it sucks to be afraid all the time. And again, I'm not talking about fear of natural disasters or death by lightening strike or anything like that. Let me give an example: I've thought a lot about going to a writer's conference. I've heard how great they are and how beneficial they are to writers and how much I could learn and who I could meet etc. But the thought of going to one all by myself, knowing absolutely no one, and having to meet and greet and mingle and even more scary- pitch my book to an agent or editor- freaks the crap right out of me. In fact, there are two conferences coming up in October- one in Kalispell, and one in Park City, UT. I know I could make the arrangements to go, but I can't quite make up my mind to do it. Why? FEAR. Except that when I talk myself out of it of course I don't acknowledge that excuse. Instead I blame my not going on the cost, the driving, having to get a babysitter for my kids. When really, the main thing holding me back is the fear that I'll sit there like a doofus and be too scared to go up to anyone and talk to them. Or that I'll freeze up when I'm faced with an agent and end up stuttering out something like,"uh yeah... my books about this girl... she's a daydreamer... yeah and she uh, ends up in medieval times... uh huh."
     Really brilliant.
     I know what I have to do is just force myself. Like the jazz classes I'm about to take. I debated back and forth about taking them but everytime I watch So You Think You Can Dance, I just feel the urge to be dancing again. So I signed up. Now I can't stop it from constantly gnawing on my brain. Will I be good enough? Will I be able to keep up? Will I look like a fool? Will I be so bad that they'll move me down to the beginner class?
     Can I just say, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!
     So what's the point of all this? Well, there is no point. Except maybe one day I can look back and read this and (hopefully) think- man was I dumb to be so afraid of that! Or maybe even- man, I am so glad I'm not afraid of everything anymore!
     I can't wait for that day.