Anyway, on to the talk- What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye To Be? given by Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy. There were so many great talks but one of the reasons I chose this one is because it was the kind of talk I wanted to listen to again to really understand it. And there were certain parts that really struck a chord with me and in different ways.
In our quest to be like the Savior, there are many thing we need to do. But we also need to be. Brother Robbins says, "be and do are inseparable". If we aren't both being and doing, then we're hypocrites. To give very simple examples, I can go to church every Sunday (do) but if I don't believe in the gospel then what's the point- there's no be. Or, maybe I believe in my heart the truth of the gospel (be) but if I never act on it by going to church, I'm not doing. Those are over-simplified examples, but you get the point.
One of the things that really got me was when he mentioned "to do lists". I'm such a to-do list person- and by that I don't mean actual written to-do lists, but rather ones in my head- and I rely on them daily. For example:
feed the kids breakfast
get them dressed and off to school
wash sheets and towels
dust and vacuum upstairs
pick up son from kindergarten
feed kids lunch
put daughter down for nap
make sure kids have done their homework/ home reading
make and eat dinner
put kids to bed
This is my actual list for tomorrow (and most Wednesdays) and it will run through my head throughout the day while I mentally check things off. It gives me great satisfaction to get things done. When I do, I feel like I've earned the time to write, to read, or watch my favorite shows. But these things are all do's. They're important, yes. But where in that list is, play with the kids?
Then I think of more churchly things- I can mentally check off: went to church, did my visiting teaching, read my scriptures, paid my tithing... you get the idea. But if I'm doing all those things simply to check them off my mental list, have I really gotten the point? Am I doing them more because I feel I have to- to get them done- than an overpowering desire to be even as he is? Hmm....
Another reason I liked this talk is because Brother Robbins applied be and do to parenting. He says, "as a parent, when can I check a child off my list as done? We are never done being good parents. And to be good parents, one of the most important things we can teach our children is how to be more like the Savior."
He says that teaching be to our children will improve behavior more effectively than focusing on do.
So, my kids are fighting with each other (surprise surprise). When I yell at them to stop fighting with each other, is this really effective? Of course not. (Although honestly, sometimes they don't listen until I get to the yelling.) But instead of disciplining them for what they did, I need to figure out what would correct the fighting. Like teaching them to be patient and forgiving. Teaching them to love. Teaching them not to blame.
The word discipline come from the same root word as disciple- therefore we should be disciplining with patience and with helpful lessons. Not with anger. He quotes D&C, saying we should discipline "by persuasion, long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness and pure knowledge."
There's something I feel the need to say though. First off, I am not even close to being "the perfect mother". If anything, I lose my temper too easily. BUT- I've seen other mothers who I think interpret the above to saying to their kids, 'please don't do that' in a plaintive almost begging quiet voice. While I applaud the non-loss of temper, most kids I've seen totally ignore this kind of discipline. So. I think there needs to be the happy medium: a very firm but non-yelling kind of discipline. Trust me- I'm saying this to myself because I need to quiet down my voice lots of times.
I thought it was funny when he mentioned that a sweet child enrolls their parents in Parenting 101 while a more difficult child enrolls them in Parenting 505. For me and my four kids, I'd say I'm probably in 101, 202, 404, and 505- all different with each of my kids. What I find interesting (and somewhat awful) about myself is that I seem to be hardest on my 101 kid and yet she gets the least of attention. Could be because she's the oldest. But that's definitely something for me to work on.
Brother Robbins talks about turning negatives to positives. If they confess to doing something wrong, praise their honesty rather than focusing on the actual deed. Give compliments on being, not doing. Instead of "good job vacuuming" try "it makes me happy when you do your chores with a willing heart". Instead of saying "nice goal" in a sport, try, "you never gave up".
The talk was full of so much, and it gave me a lot to think about. A lot to work on in with my own actions and in how I parent my children. To finish I want to quote Brother Robbins. He said, "The most important way to teach to be is to be the kind of parents to our children that our Father in Heaven is to us."
I'm really glad I got to participate in this blogfest. It helped me to listen extra attentively to the talks. And blogging about this one helped me to understand it better, to really think about it deeply in relation to my own life. I can't wait to read what the other bloggers have to say...
Annette Lyon: “Desire”
Annie Cechini: “The Spirit of Revelation”
Ben Spendlove: “The Atonement Covers All Pain”
Chantele Sedgwick: “LDS Women Are Incredible!”
Charity Bradford: “LDS Women Are Incredible!”
Jackee Alston: “The Eternal Blessings of Marriage”
Jenilyn Tolley: “What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?”
Jennifer McFadden: “Establishing a Christ-Centered Home”
Jessie Oliveros: “Establishing a Christ-Centered Home”
Jolene Perry: “It’s Conference Once Again”
Jordan McCollum: “What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?”
Kasey Tross: “Guided by the Holy Spirit”
Kayeleen Hamblin: “Become as a Little Child”
Kelly Bryson: “The Atonement Covers All Pain”
Krista Van Dolzer: “Opportunities to Do Good”
Melanie Stanford: “What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?”
Michelle Merrill: “The Eternal Blessings of Marriage”
Myrna Foster: “Opportunities to Do Good”
Nisa Swineford: “Desire”
Sallee Mathews: “The Eternal Blessings of Marriage”
Sierra Gardner: “The Atonement Covers All Pain”
Tamara Hart Heiner: “Waiting on the Road to Damascus”
The Writing Lair: “Waiting on the Road to Damascus”